I feel the weight on my shoulders sometimes,I feel I may be consumed it bothers me day and night as I wake up in the morning, as I lay down to sleep at night, sometimes I cry wondering if I’ve got what it takes, I ask God to give me the strength and guide my part. I soldier on with hope and aspirations, sometimes I fail sometimes I win, but I never give up, no, never, i’m determined to make it no matter what it takes. Sometimes my drive and zeal makes me push the limits. I’m almost desperate at times I go to extremes, do things I said I wouldn’t do, I said I wouldn’t do this things before reality hit and I realized it’s a Wild wild world and sometimes you bend the rules and hope for some luck. This expectations are weighing heavy on me, it’s a fine line I’m treading, hoping not to lose site of what the real aim is. This isn’t a pursuit of happiness quite the opposite with similar parallels. It’s a pursuit to stay relevant and to exist so at each turn, expectations meet duty, drive and zeal provide the fuel needed to keep me going. Sometimes I just want to give up, like “God why me” how does it come easy to some, some who don’t even believe in you. But who am I to question the almighty? Is a quick dollar really worth it? I ask myself and most times I say yes. Today’s society is different from what and how our parents grew up so while they have passed on all their knowledge, it’s our duty to not just accept it but bring it up to date with society. This ain’t the 60’s anymore.I’m not desperate, no I’m not but expectations are weighing heavy on my shoulders sometimes I shed a tear just considering the possibility of being consumed, of not being able to fulfill expectations but I’m a born fighter, I’ll fight until there’s literally no fight left in me and I only see that happening when I’m six feet under the ground. Until that happens, I’ll keep feeling the weight of expectations and I’ll keep fighting. I hate to lose and I’ll never admit to being second best. It’s my self believe that I can do it if I’m devoted and put my mind to it, the drive to win means I’ll keep going even if I have lost a thousand times before I’ll keep going until I finally win, I don’t quit I can’t quit this expectations won’t just let me!!!
I recently discovered a part of me that i hardly get in touch with,heck i had very little idea it existed. I am talking about the part of the human brain that makes us feel jealous. I am not the jealous envious type i despise it but i did feel jealous very recently . it is of course about a girl and that’s where it becomes strange. the girl in question, let’s call her X, isn’t my gf i don’t have a crush on her. In many ways though we are connected. about 6 yrs back we reconnected and trust me i had no idea we wuld be this close i have feelings for her like no other not the bf i wanna “chike” u, sleep with you (dats up 4 debate tho) kind of feelings just an unnatural feeling towards this girl it supercedes most. trust me it’s scary. I’ve been there for her and she’s been 4 me through thick n thin, support, advice,.. she’s kinda my conscience in many ways. before i do something stupid, i ask her opinion which i mostly take. she tells me my right and wrong, she makes me understand and show emotions to things I am very bad with. I am like the most emotional sociopath you’ll ever know if you find a way to connect emotionally to a sociopath that is.which brings me to the jealousy ish . i mostly know who she’s screwing, who she’s in love with, who she hates…. whom she lost her virginity to, most of her bfs need to have my blessing before she goes ahead with them. It’s like we are soul partners in a way. so quite surprisingly very recently she told me she was screwing sum1 and it hit a cord with me . i was shell shocked to say the least. Don’t get it twisted i didn’t suddenly develop feelings for her or want to date her etc etc but it did hit me. i don’t know why but it felt different for me. here is sum1 i actually encourage to have sex which she does and i feel nothing but something felt different. i tried to process why i suddenly felt this way, exploring all possible options as to why, including if i wanted her to be my gf etc etc but it wasn’t any of that. i finally figured it out. this was the most vocal she had been about any of her exploits, she was not only enjoying this, she just wasn’t getting enough, it was like she had found some brand new way of mixing crack that made it different from everything out there she was into it and that’s why i was feeling the way i did. I was happy 4 her but i wished i was the 1 having this kind of happy sex, where i coudn’t get eonugh and just wanted to keep going. not that i get bored having sex, especially if its on a constant basis, I’m a freak. I’ll do just about anything in bed. I am kinky(no judging) but yet sex gets boring after a while and I’d pretty much just want to be alone with no hassles from the opposite sex. i really like my quiet. there you have it. I don’t know if I am finding excuses or just jealous… you be the judge.