JOZI’S ….


I recently discovered a part of me that i hardly get in touch with,heck i had very little idea it existed. I am talking about the  part of the human brain that makes us feel jealous. I am not the jealous envious type i despise it but i did feel jealous very recently . it is of course about a girl and that’s  where it becomes strange. the girl in question, let’s call her X, isn’t my gf i don’t have a crush on her. In many ways though we are connected. about 6 yrs back we reconnected and trust me i had no idea we wuld be this close i have feelings for her like no other not the bf i wanna “chike” u, sleep with you (dats up 4 debate tho) kind of feelings just an unnatural feeling towards this girl it supercedes most. trust me it’s scary. I’ve been there for her and she’s been  4 me through thick n thin, support, advice,.. she’s kinda my conscience in many ways. before i do something stupid, i ask her opinion which i mostly take. she tells me my right and wrong, she makes me understand and show emotions to things I am very bad with. I am like the most emotional sociopath you’ll ever know if  you find a way to connect emotionally to a sociopath that is.which brings me to the jealousy ish . i mostly know who she’s screwing, who she’s in love with, who she hates…. whom she lost her virginity to, most of her bfs need to have my blessing before she goes ahead with them. It’s like we are soul partners in a way. so quite surprisingly very recently she told me she was screwing sum1 and it hit a cord with me . i was shell shocked to say the least. Don’t get it twisted i didn’t suddenly develop feelings for her or want to date her etc etc but it did hit me. i don’t know why but  it felt different for me. here is sum1 i actually encourage to have sex which she does and i feel nothing but something felt different. i tried to process why i suddenly felt this way, exploring all possible options as to why, including if i wanted her to be my gf etc etc but it wasn’t any of that. i finally figured it out. this was the most vocal she had been about any of her exploits, she was not only enjoying this, she just wasn’t getting enough, it was like she had found some brand new way of mixing crack that made it different from everything out there she was into it and that’s why i was feeling the way i did. I was happy 4 her but i wished i was the 1 having this kind of happy sex, where i coudn’t get eonugh and just wanted to keep going. not  that i get bored having sex, especially if its on a constant basis, I’m a freak. I’ll do just about anything in bed. I am kinky(no judging) but yet sex gets boring after a while and I’d pretty much just want to be alone with no hassles from the opposite sex. i really like my quiet. there you have it. I don’t know if I am finding excuses or just jealous… you be the judge.

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